What I want: Always working towards: Soulmates Sharing A Cherished Life-Adventure Together
Just what are soulmates? There are many definitions, none seem to be the “standard” or “authoritative”. Consequently, I will define what I mean when I use the term soulmate. It will be lengthy and probably somewhat unusual, because I want to eventually use the single word to communicate a large group of words, actions, and feelings.
Before I discuss my definition of soulmate and explain why I so deeply wish for a soulmate relationship, I need to dispel some expected criticism. Later, when I discuss the deep understanding and common mind thinking that I desire, I do not intend to say that fusion of selves is what is desired. A common psychological theory considers that many relationships in low functioning populations tend to fuse personalities into a common, or group, mentality. I am NOT promoting fusion, or group think, or the blind submission of one self in a relationship to the other self or selves in a relationship. My desired relationship maintains the sanctity of self, grows the self, and ends up developing stronger selves, not diminishing any individual’s self. Psychological Fusion, or sacrifice of self is NOT the objective of my hoped for soulmate relationship. However, complete bi-directional understanding of partners and intentional interdependence in a two way relationship IS a desired outcome of being soulmates.
In my ideal soulmate relationship, both individuals are self strong and growing. They do not require the partner to complete them, but recognize that the partner helps them be more than they could be by themselves. Synergy, wherein the union of the partnership is greater than the sum of the two individuals, is a natural outcome of my desired soulmate relationship.
The concept of twin flames, or reincarnation, or sharing lives together from previous lives, or finding the long lost ultra-identical twin is NOT necessary in my soulmate definition. While finding someone to develop a soulmate relationship might be simpler or easier if they were already a mirror image or duplicate of yourself, it is not necessary in my desired definition. What IS required is that the two individuals in the soulmate relationship have a common, almost identical, DESIRE to develop and contribute to the soulmate relationship in a relatively equally yoked manner. Searching for and finding a single existent, one-of-a-kind, exclusive in all eternity, individual may result in an incredible life experience, but the probability of success is extremely low. Meanwhile, the number of individuals that COULD become my definition of soulmates is quite high. Certainly, starting development of a soulmate relationship may be easier with individuals that already share many similar life viewpoints, I think I have observed healthy soulmate relationships between very different individuals. The key to their soulmate development was a desire to develop the soulmate relationship, NOT that they were duplicate copies of the same original being.
Some soulmate elitists may automatically discount my thesis of desired attitude and development being key. They have pre-decided that by definition soulmates should not have to make an effort to develop their relationship. That is Okay for them to define soulmate in that manner. However, for purposes of the relationship that I am trying to describe using the term soulmate, their narrow definition falls short of the relationship I am describing and desiring.
Individuals in my defined soulmate relationship (from this point forward I will use SR to represent the words soulmate relationship) understand they and their partner have a special relationship that certainly is friendly, but goes considerably beyond close friendship. They understand their relationship is uncommonly unique and of very high value to both partners. They cherish the relationship and know that most of the world’s population will never even have a concept that this type of relationship is even possible. This relationship is rarer than a diamond, and considerably worth more….even priceless. The SR is worth investing in because the returns are so high and with enough time and effort invested, the relationship, as well as your self-worth, grows geometrically.
Conversely, the loss of the SR is so devastating that it may be impossible to ever entirely recover. SR destruction is comparable to the loss of priceless artifacts, or extinction of a species. While someone MIGHT be able to develop a replacement SR, it will be very difficult and require years of work. I believe that a SR is so valuable that development of a replacement SR is something that should be attempted with high expectations. However, having a single SR in one’s lifetime is so remarkable that the possibility of two or more SR’s in a single lifetime is hard to imagine. Certainly possible, but how could one individual have the capacity to develop multiple SR’s AND the good fortune?!
While all of the discussion thus far has been marriage and gender neutral, the most natural way to develop a SR is within a solid marriage. SR’s do not require a marital relationship to develop and grow. In fact, SR’s could easily develop and grow between same gender partners or even un-married different gender partners. However, this last possibility has serious implications and challenges if the un-married partners in a SR are actually married to other people. A SR between un-married partners who are married to other people will create significant strain on the marital relationships and will incorrectly focus relationship effort on the SR at the expense of the relationship work being invested in the marriages. It is theoretically possible for a SR and two separate marriages to survive and even grow, but the likelihood of that happening is very low. It is more likely that the SR, or the marriages, or all three, will collapse under the strains of multiple focus desires. A true SR does not REQUIRE exclusivity, but the required concentration on the SR will be very difficult between individuals that are married to individuals not involved in the SR. Again, it is not impossible, just very, very difficult to make both a SR and one or more non-SR marriages thrive.
Marriage is a great place to develop a SR. In fact, it is a natural relationship to create a SR. The long-term commitment to the relationship should already be in place. While not required to develop a SR, sexual relations can greatly enhance and develop a SR. Marriage partners usually already have the time, life-style, and friendship characteristics in common with those needed to culture a SR. Marriage is also likely to be a stepping stone on the path to a developing SR, and some marriages are one of the results of a SR. In fact, the best marriages are likely caused by and are concurrent with SR’s. Sadly, most “average” marriages have very little in common with SR’s…….
However, SR’s are not dependent on a marriage contract AND many SR’s have no relationship to marriage. While less common, there is no reason that same gender SR’s can’t be formed and thrive without romance, sex, or child-rearing, etc. The key to a successful SR is the attitude of the two partners, NOT on their romantic interest or marital status. Many SR’s DO INDEED involve romance, marriage, sex, etc., but these are NOT required elements of a SR.
So, What are properties or characteristics of my ideal SR?
Soulmates DO:
- Foremost and utmost, cherish their soulmate and cherish the relationship
- Seek ways to know and understand their soulmate better
- Extend grace when their partner fails in the relationship or in life activities
- Seek redemption when the relationship has progressed negatively, for whatever reason
- Trust in their partner, deeply.
- Believe the partner is attempting to do what is right when the situation is questionable. This might be described as giving the partner the benefit of the doubt, even when the appearance of the event is questionable.
- Wants what is best for the partner, even if the decision is not preferred by yourself.
- Maintain identity of self, but willing to sacrifice self for the partner. This MUST be a two way street. Fusion of one’s self into the self of your partner is probably NOT a good idea for yourself, NOR the SR.
- Recognize that interdependence is just as important as independence.
- Invest heavily in the SR. Not exclusively, but the SR probably should be the most important relationship in an individual’s earthly relationships.
- Recognize the spiritual value and holiness of their partner’s life.
- Understand their partner’s weaknesses. As the partner attempts to strengthen weaknesses, the soulmate helps in whatever way they can, but the soulmate recognizes and accepts that the partner controls if and when life changes are made.
- Welcome and invite feedback from their soulmate. The presence of deep trust mentioned above allows soulmates to reveal their vulnerabilities to each other.
- Understand the challenges, fears, weaknesses, strengths, dreams, and past failures of their soulmate.
- Give of themselves to their soulmate without worrying about reciprocity because they know the SR will produce significantly higher return over the long term. Their relationship is not 50-50, it is 100-100.
- Recognize that there will be some dark days in the relationship. They know their soulmate is not perfect. However, it is hoped that enough trust has developed before the dark days occur that the soulmates can experience hurt, but still see the future end result as very positive for both souls.
- Have rock solid security in their SR.
- See the world through their soulmates eyes, even when their own vision sees the world differently. This is where “both…and” is critically more important than “either…or”.
Yes, my desired SR IS a significant commitment. It IS hard work. It takes many months, many years of intentional development. It IS possible. It DOES require two like minds, deciding to intentionally develop their SR. However, in my mind, the result will be worth many times the investment. Again, Synergy will produce a relationship that is much better than the two individual lives simply added together. It produces another, third individual…the Soulmate Relationship. 1+1 does indeed = 3.
